Monday, March 20

austin countryside. the twisty downhill road could be a roller coaster. no streetlights. car clock reads 3:56am. on our way to airport. 6:35 flight. sefika asks what's the most unexpected part of WARP. srijon says sth i don't remember. how about you, laura? um. i don't know. uh. i'll get back to you. let me think. i don't turn my head away from the window.

the tightness in my chest. then in my throat then in my noes and eyes till my face is covered in liquids. it's like, the familiar emotion of leaving a camp that hits. i don't dare to turn around but this could be the last time i'll be within a 2 meter radius from srijon and sefika. in a few hours, srijon will be en route to india and sefika to turkey, and im still here on this goddamned continent. and it hits like, sammy hugging me a few hours ago saying "i'll be surprised if we don't see each other in the next 6 months" and the warmth that brought (maybe he wants me at ascension!), claire telling me to drop by boston (ugh don't get me started on how many ppl i love are in boston), sicong is from LA and max from harvard, and it hits that so many people i love are far far away. it hits in a way that it didn't hit even when i left atlas, because hey galen is at uoft, hey ricki said i can make a reunion happen, hey i'll probably see them at EAG. i still had the hope of MIT, of visiting joseph in boston, john at cambridge, janet in nz. in a way that the last day of grade 11 doesn't feel like an ending because all these classmates will turn up in grade 12 anyways.

i think about harry saying that meditation makes him feel sadness like a movie, letting the emotion course through you in a way that doesn't feel bad but as an outside observer. i ask him if he thinks we can control our emotions and he says no. im confused that this seems unstoic yet i agree, but then i remember charlie said the buddhist thing is "suffering = pain x resistance." and i understood stoicism wrong? it's not necessarily about you can control your mind/emotions on the first level, but on the second level? that you can't control feeling sad but you can control that feeling sad doesn't have to be suffering.

at the airport, i open my gratitude notes with sefika. i open the one from max. "you have insane talent. i hope to see you as a powerlifter in a few years." and it comes back, holy shit, i when i go back i won't have max behind me at the 8th rep telling me to go for 10, and i actually try although i think i won't make it, because his 180 lbs is there to catch the barbell. when im done he'd scream "let's go" and fistbump you with both hands, although you only benched 55 lbs and every one else can bench like, double. the gym was warm and comfortable and i belonged there, although i only have 3 weeks of experience, although i wasn't sure if i could deadlift at all because of an old back injury, and i needed max to watch my form for the first few sets.

damon's focusing session. pick a negative emotion or one that you're confused about. notice where it is in your body. a ball of lead in your chest when you think about choosing college. tightening in your arms as you think about arguing with your parents. a hole in your stomach when you think about your latest social failing, ditching joseph and james at uzay's social because you had to leave in a rush. notice how it grows and shrinks as you say, "the ball of lead in my chest wants doesn't want to leave home." "the ball of lead in my chest is afraid of regretting my choice." "the ball of lead in my chest is afraid of being confined." // idk try to understand it. then be like, "thank you, ball of lead in my chest, for looking out for me / letting me know that i care about being with my mom." emotions make sense. they contain information.

so idk. thank you sadness i guess. for letting me know that i am capable of loving. like. i really did love these people at warp. sicong's groundedness. that slow, idiosyncratic way he spoke, how he'd say "im getting a little emotion rn," how his facial expressions were a whole movie. nastia's hugs. bryan's guitar. uliana. sammy. max. claire. audrey. hamidah and that one unhinged 1 on 1, and vibes, vibes really are more important than intellectual convos?? zdenek. the hamming circle. naman is so considerate wtf. 8 mins of learning piano. india! andrew. andrew! so comfy. david yu's visible and invisible curriculum.

ugh i love these people

but they're so far awayyyyyyy

:(

:)

btw i visited mit a few days ago. right after getting rejected. im surprised that it didn't hurt. uzay's social and i love spontaneously meeting people and the dorm with dildos painted on the walls and joseph asks james if mit is the best school and he says on creativity and quirky rsrch probably yes, you don't see harvard profs in the news for some zanky project, and yes MIT is the best community for me, it would still be my first choice, it always was, but,,,

visiting didn't hurt. idk why.

i did notice that this made me more strongly want to go to cambridge. based on dron's updatelys i think i can find these vibes